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Robots Should Play Football - Not Humans!

Posted: Wed, October 09, 2013 | By: Brain Health

by Hank Pellissier

For 140 years, American male human skulls have bashed each other on gridirons in the battle sport that brain-cripples many participants, leaving high schoolers dead, college students comatose, pro pigskin-players mentally-maimed.

Today, we hear regular reports of retired footballers wobbling forgetfully into awards banquets, crashing their cars suicidally, blowing their disturbed, demented & depressed brains out with revolvers.

Rome sent slave teams into arenas to hack each other to bits for public amusement, and it thrilled the spectators, arousing the same kinetic ecstasy viewed today in the USA when strong, swift NFL warriors propel their missiles of muscle, crunching each other, with concussions the inevitable side effect.

Want evidence? Think football is harmless? Don’t be daft. Everyone bumps their head - ouch! It hurts! Realizing this - please - hammer your noggin repeatedly in this “game” where collision is the raison d’être, hammer it so violently that your brain jiggles inside like Kate Upton’s breasts… do this multiple weekends for two decades.. yeah, it’s stupid and stupefying.

Football’s brutality reminds me of bullfighting, which has recently been banned, restricted, or reformed in Catalonia, Costa Rica, Canary Islands, Ecuador, and the Mexican states of Sonora and Veracruz.

The major difference is obvious: bullfighting offers sadism towards animals - football is masochism inside our own species. (Boxing - a sport even more mentally-damaging - should also be banned; this opinion was expressed recently by a neurologist in New Scientist.)

Occasionally one hears the moronic weak defense that football provides an escape from poverty. That’s statistically ridiculous. For every kid from a project who gets a pro paycheck, there are 100,000+X more who fail, left fuzzy-thinking for the effort.

Additionally, many retirees from the brain-jarring game end up back in the poorhouse, after squandering millions.

Safe Sports Do Exist, like track and field - the fleet-footed can race each other, ala Usain Bolt or Abebe Bikila, and the explosively strong can fling sky-high the shotput, javelin, discus, and hammer. Swimming and rowing are also healthy options.

Bioethicists should lead the outcry against football - but they won’t, because it’s a “blinkered discipline” that “doesn’t know what to do.” Anti-football agitators, presently a tiny number, will probably be led by rightfully-worried Moms and Dads.

What’s my solution? My game plan? Can football be pushed out-of-bounds? Can this cognitive-crippling problem be tackled? Should we just walk it off the field? Should American’s Favorite Game be cancelled, forfeited, abandoned?

(Pro Football is America’s #1 most popular sport, with College Football tied for #2.)

You disagree? You say it’s sad to Sack football, to Blitz it aggressively and Dump it? You want to Keep the Game alive, but have it be Safe?

Well then, I suggest—we change the contestants… We Create Football Players 2.0 i.e., ROBOTS

We can’t protect the cognitive organ of the meat-bags who are presently performing for us with sacrificial results, so, let’s yank them off the field and substitute their frailness with metallic, omnipotent wonder-athletes.

Teams of Robots, shaped like human gridiron heroes, wearing the same colors, performing the same plays, blocking, tacking, pass-catching, running, punting, intercepting… let’s create robots that can do everything the Pro Bowlers can do, without mental incapacitation as a consequence.

Robot Teams! From every city or industrial park or scholastic robotics club that can field a stalwart eleven.

If a robot’s head or limb breaks off after a vicious gang-tackle, it’s not a family loss or community tragedy - it’s just something for the maintenance team to hastily repair on the sidelines.

Robot Football offers huge benefits. Right now many parents send their sons to practice after school - where they get stupider, because they play football. Every concussion lowers IQ 1.62 points, and there’s between 140,000-300,000 concussions per year in teen programs.

Instead of decreasing their tenuous smarts on the bloody, bruised lawns, high school and college boys could be elevating their intelligence in robot tech shops, preparing for the big game with cross-town rivals.

At the pro-level, professional roboticists could be imported worldwide, particularly from Japan and South Korea, present development leaders in sophisticated humanoid ‘bots.

Robot Football would also, thankfully, end the arrogant brawn-over-brains pecking order in American schools, where troglodyte jocks reign triumphant for over smaller, smarter, studious classmates. Replacing the vicious trampling brutes at the top of the high school hierarchy would be pupils who excel in robot engineering - whiz kids who develop sophisticated androids that excel at leaping, galloping, feinting, straight-arming, throwing, catching, kicking, etc.

At the pro level, this high praise would continue. MVP and Pro Bowl awards would given to mild engineers and their robot creations - the New Nerd Heros. Commemorating these innovators would be a huge upgrade from the today’s unfortunate situation, i.e., $$$$$ and media attention and groupies lavished on thick necked, steroid-raging NFL players who kill people, gobble illicit drugs, insult gays, taunt foes after TDs - in general, behaving grotesquely narcissistic because they’ve been pampered all their lives for their successful brutality.

Robot Teams are already in play in World “Football” - i.e., Soccer. Developed in South Korea, it’s goal is to defeat a human team by 2050.

Admittedly, Robot American Football players are going to be awkward at the onset - they will shuffle along slowly, fumble snaps from the center, and fall down inexplicably.

Ah, but there’s the challenge. If we put our minds to it, we can quickly create new beings that rapidly transcend our own skills. Soon, stirred by healthy regional rivalries, we can rejoice as they them slam into each other with cataclysmically, with crashing noises reminiscent of a Monster Truck rally.

We can enjoy this without trepidation, because our own children remain intact, beside us, fully cognizant, bragging about how they improved the peripheral vision of Player #22 or the foot speed of Player #67 or the leg extension punting power of #81.

Robot Football! Let’s start immediately.

Let’s build American athlete ‘droids, for our entertainment and a brighter future.


I would argue the same for cheerleaders on the side lines. I seriously doubt the crowds would make it too big a deal for their beautiful squad to be replaced by a bunch of sexy gynoids.

Fact of the matter is that cheerleaders suffer many injuries as well - very devastating ones, which match in comparison to football players. Only except the cheerleaders are there to look sexy, and protective gear isn’t “sexy” apparently. Leaving them quite vulnerable to injuries far more severe than football players at times.

By B.J. Murphy on Oct 10, 2013 at 7:48am

The following is amusing: the fans in question are criticized for allegedly cheering a quarterback’s injury, but violent sports are supposed to be violent. Boxing* fans cheer when a pugilist is knocked down and/or out:—nfl.html

Football is as brutal as hockey.

*BTW, boxing IMO isn’t even really a sport; it’s an excuse to beat someone up

By Alan Brooks on Oct 15, 2013 at 8:00pm

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